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tv   CBS Overnight News  CBS  December 1, 2016 2:07am-4:01am EST

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for you tonight. actress shelley winters is with us tonight. [ applause ] >> a very funny young comedian, tom parks is here. [ applause ] >> i don't know what the official name of this lady would be. she is a nose flutist. she plays a flute-- >> extremely well-- >> with her nose. i guess it would be the technical term for that? >> ridiculous. [ laughter, applause ] >> abby jay. she's here, too, so stay where you are. [ applause ]
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>> okay, we're back. >> friday night crowd. beautiful. >> thank you. you look really sharp, tonight. [ applause ] >> thank you. >> i just threw this old rag on, from my closet. now, first of all, i've got something to clear up. i did a joke last night on the show about spraying for med flies. we have a med fly problem, i guess. 36 med flies - they've discovered. and they're spraying 22 square miles in los angeles, and according to the paper, they're spraying with malathion, which is toxic, and they suggested
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well, you begin to wonder, right? anyway, i got a call today from jara currey, from the california department of food and agriculture. apparently, that joke last night started to panic people. and she says don't panic, folks. it is the protein that carries the poison that spots the car. it doesn't strip the paint off. in other words, it apparently leaves little spots on the car. it does not strip the paint. so, in other words, it's safe, i guess, on humans. wouldn't it spot humans, too? [ laughter ] >> anyway, it's not a dangerous thing, so if you happen to be out and you see a plane come over, dropping malathion, just stand there and -- >> enjoy it. >> but we did not mean to panic people. anyway, the air is so bad out here today, 15 of the flies turned themselves in. [ laughter, applause ]
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i guess if you get a med fly infestation, it devours the citrus crop in california, and it only takes a few of them to get going, because they're very prolific. i mean, you get one med fly, and apparently, they lay - anybody know how many eggs they lay? billions and billions of eggs. [ laughter ] >> as carl sagan would say. you probably know about - oh, by the way, we have shelley winters on the show tonight, comedian tom parks and abby jay, who has a ridiculous act. she's called, actually, a nose flautist, or is flutist correct? >> flautist. >> flautist. alright. she's going to be with us. do you know about the los angeles raiders situation? we have a football team called the los angeles raiders. apparently, they may have been lured away from the los angeles coliseum by the city of irwindale, california. now, irwindale, california is about 25 miles east of los angeles, as i understand it.
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>> no. >> they gave the raiders $10 million up front, as an advance, i guess, against $150 million, to be gotten back in stadium revenues. $150 million. now, we've been doing this show in burbank since 1972. we got to wondering. burbank's been nice to us. but look what they're going to give the raiders. $10 million up front. so, we thought we'd just check into it, and so we sent a camera crew down to irwindale, to kind of check it out. i don't know if you know this or not, but irwindale is the gravel capital of southern california, and they plan to build a stadium, i guess, in one of the gravel pits down there. so we took a camera, seeing, maybe it's the future home for "the tonight show." so watch the monitor. this is actual film, as you will see here. now, this is the main thoroughfare,
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but the locals refer to it as a maintenance free forest. [ laughter ] >> now, there you are right there. that is the gravel pit, and that is apparently where the new stadium is going to go if it comes through. we don't know yet. so, what we did - i personally did not go down there, but i did send a very lifelike cardboard impersonation, and we took the desk down, and set it in the middle of the gravel pit, just to see how it would look. [ laughter, applause ] >> you could open the show, from the gravel pit of southern california, it's "the tonight show." >> there's johnny. >> now, this new stadium seats about, i guess - how much? >> 60,000. >> 60,000 people. now, can you imagine a studio audience of 60,000 people?
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anyway, we thought we would call the gentleman, and check into this a little further. now, what did i do with the guys name here? okay. he is standing by on the phone. it's a legitimate call. his name is xavier hermoseo. and he is irwindale's public relations consultant. he negotiated, apparently, the raiders deal. is that a firm deal, already? the 10 million is firm. no refund. >> no, they keep that, no matter what. [ laughter ] >> i've had other deals like that, where 10 million has gone, with no refund. [ laughter, applause ] >> okay, now, he knew we were going to call him. we called him and said would you be in your office? i'm going to chat with him. his name is xavier hermoseo, and i'm just going to dial his number here, directly
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[ busy signal ] [ laughter ] >> oh, come on, now. we've got to be kidding. he's probably talking to al davis, right now. [ laughter ] >> maybe i dialed wrong. oh, we have two numbers here. i've got a back up number. [ phone dialing ] >> he's probably negotiating with ted koppel. [ phone dialing ] [ ringing ] >> there we go. [ ringing ] >> hello? >> i'd like to speak to mr. hermoseo, please. >> hold on, please. >> thank you. he must be on the other line. we've got to act fast on this. obviously,
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>> hello, this is xavier. >> mr. hermoseo? >> yes, sir. >> how are you? >> i'm fine, how are you? >> this is johnny carson. i'm calling from "the tonight show." >> oh, what a pleasure. >> can we hear mr. hermoseo in the audience all right? we've got you on the speaker, here, to our "tonight show" audience. >> okay. >> how are things in irwindale tonight? >> rock solid. [ laughter, applause ] >> that's right. i forgot. irwindale is a stones throw from another stones throw, isn't it? how many gravel pits does irwindale have? >> too many. about 17. >> about 17? >> yes, sir. >> how did you manage to get al davis to come down to irwindale? >> well, we gave him an offer he couldn't refuse. >> gave him an offer he couldn't refuse? now, you advanced him $10 million? >> $10 million. biggest check i've ever seen. >> how many people live in the city of irwindale? >> 1040. [ laughter ] >> 1040, and you came up with $10 million?
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they didn't all chip in, did they? >> we're the fastest growing city in the state of california, in terms of assessed valuation. >> oh, i see. so 1040 people, and you gave mr. davis a $10 million check. >> that's correct. >> now, if they decide not to move there, what happens? >> he's $10 million richer. >> that's it? now, let me ask you this, now. what inducements could you give us to move "the tonight show" toin >> well, that's tough. let me think, here. >> could we use one of the gravel pits? do you have any studio space? >> oh, sure. we have a lot of space. but you're not exactly al davis. [ boos ] >> well, you're not tom bradley, either. [ laughter, applause ] >> tell me a little bit about irwindale. >> irwindale is about
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>> it's 20 miles from los angeles. it's about 28 years old. >> 28 years old. we have your picture up on the screen now, mr. hermoseo. >> nice of you to do that. >> okay. >> it's a primarily industrial and commercial city and we have been bringing big business to town. a major brewery -- >> there's a brewery nearby? [ applause ] >> how close would that be to the gravel pit? >> eight lanes away. >> eight lanes away? >> just across the freeway. >> just across the freeway. good, okay. ed, you're in. so, you've got a major brewery there. how about hotel space, for our guests? >> pardon me? >> how about hotel space, when we fly in guests for "the tonight show?" where would we put them up? >> we don't have any hotels. >> no hotels. well, that's a problem, right there. >> we'll build some. >> you'll build a hotel.
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[ laughter ] >> no gas station. well, the people drive there for the football game and they run out of gas, what's the situation there? >> i think we'll put a gas station in by the time -- >> might put a gas station in. so you've got 1088 people. when is this stadium going to start? >> we'll start construction of the stadium in november. >> in november. now, what's that going to cost? >> oh, about $80 million. >> about $80 million. now, can i ask you a personal question? how do you raise that money with 1044 people? >> through incremental tax increases. [ laughter ] >> oh, that's a big tax bite. >> we've done situations like, we sold the brewery people 227 acres for a dollar. >> oh, i see. >> and they built a $392 million brewery on it. >> well, that sounds pretty good. now, the people of irwindale - do they get tickets to the games? >> yes. >> oh, they do? >> absolutely. >> everyone in irwindale
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to all the raiders games? >> yes, sir. >> that's not a bad deal. >> not a bad deal. we also guarantee them an education. >> also guaranteed an education. well, good for you. it's nice talking with you, and maybe we can follow up with a letter, or something, and if you can give us some inducements, we'll certainly consider coming down there. in case we do come down there, you know, i do jokes about burbank on "the tonight show," right? and so, we just wrote up some sample jokes about irwindale, to try out. ug >> you tell me how these might go. welcome to irwindale. home of the ishtar amusement park. xavier? >> if this marriage is going to work, and you know all about marriages. >> he said, if this marriage is gonna work, and you know all about marriages. how about, they're having a big parade in irwindale, today. salute to driveways.
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machinery. [ laughter ] >> well, xavier, it's nice talking with you. i wish you good luck. >> thank you very much. i understand you played to rave reviews yesterday. >> i beg your pardon? >> i understand you played to rave reviews, yesterday, in the pits. >> yeah, we did come down there. we did a little film and went to the signing party. >> it was a little flat, you know? >> a little flat. that was a cut out. it wasn't actually me, xavier. no, you see, that wasn't me. that was a cardboard cut out. i was in irwindale, yesterday. anyway, xavier, it's nice talking with you, and good luck. thank you, sir. [ applause ] >> we're going to move. >> i don't know. going to have a tax increase. 1044 people. okay, we'll be right back. shelley winters is here, so stay where you are.
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[ music, applause ] >> okay. it is almost un-american to say your mother is a bad cook, but you covered it very well. i guess we're brought up to say that mothers can do no wrong, and sometimes they don't cook. >> well, she was a nurse. when you have a nurse for a mother, than what you get from most other mothers. this scar that i have on the heel of my hand - i was about 13 when i got that. i walked into the house with my hand cupped full of blood. my mom looked up from the couch and said, "don't spill that on the rug." [ laughter ] nothing phased her. >> how did you get started? >> i was living in atlanta, and there was a small club there. i went out on a date. a woman got me
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i didn't really know much about it. i had never been in a club before and i sat in the front row watching harry chapin perform. in between songs, he'd tell stories, and they were really funny. i turned to this girl at some point in the show and i said, "i think i could do that." she looked at me and said, "i think you could, too." [ laughter ] >> and that was that. >> yeah. i went right into show business. >> are you married? >> no, i can't gett do you want to go out again? i'm on the road about 250, 300 days a year. >> you meet a lot of young ladies in this entertainment business. >> yeah, i can't get past do you want to go out again? >> young ladies like comedians. you ever notice that? >> they do. but they like musicians better. see, they think musicians are sensitive.
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>> yeah, right. and they've got instruments, and they write songs that have got the women's names in them. you can't write a joke about a woman, you know? you can't say, "i wrote this for you." [ laughter ] >> she was so fat, that -- >> right, that doesn't work. i wrote that for you, baby. it doesn't work. >> do you do other things besides comedy? any other area? ti >> well, there's a lot of stuff going on. i've already done some commercials. i did a regional commercial in atlanta. it was a hand job. [ laughter ] >> that's what they call them. a hand model. >> that's right. hand's on camera. $235 to do this. now, i had to go down and audition for the hand job. i'm at the biggest advertising agency in the country, walter thompson. there's a guy
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can you do this?" [ laughter ] >> now, i'm thinking, i've got a college education. i want desperately to be able to do this well enough to please him. i did it. can you imagine the people who couldn't do this? ten of them. couldn't get the job. >> it's down to two of you. >> we'll be right back.
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[ music, applause ] >> we're a little long, tonight. abby jay will be with us soon, again. wa tom, you're the national spokesman for the comedy crusade against diabetes, which is going to be occurring november 2nd, in comedy clubs in all 50 states, so i want to mention that. thank you for being here. >> my pleasure. >> shelley, thank you. [ music, applause ]
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? come and knock on our door ? ? come and knock on our door ? ? we've been waitin' for you ? ? we've been waitin' for you ? ? where the kisses are hers and hers and his ? ? three's company, too ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? take a step that is new ? ? take a step that is new ? ? we've a lovable space that needs your face ? ? three's company, too ? life is a ball again ? ? laughter is callin' for you ? ? down at our rendezvous ? ? down at our rendezvous ?
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cook or you're fired! your problem is my problem. that a boy. this shouldn't take very long. felipe already made the meat sauce for the spaghetti. felipe? yes? you?! felipe, don't you have something to do? yes, of course, mi jefe. ( screams )
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oh, the pain! i cut my finger. we'll get back to you as soon as we can. are you scared of a little shot? scared? me? ( laughs ) no, it's just that, mm... i have this, uh, big game coming up this weekend on the beach and i don't want anything to interfere with that old tripper swing, you know. oh, is that all? then there's nothing to worry about because that's not where i give the shot. oh, good... what? just make sure you don't wind up sitting on the bench. no way! why not? thank you. ( screaming ) mommy! oh! jack? janet, what are you doing here? well, mr. angelino called me. are you okay? i was up till a minute ago. i cut my finger but it's all right now. mr. angelino really had me worried. look, i got to get down to the restaurant. what do you mean? we have to find a new roommate.
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ooh. excuse me, could you tell me where the nearest pay phone is? right around the corner. was that your husband? my husband? no. that's a good thing. if he were, you'd never get him out of his clothes. you don't know jack. ( chuckling ) you do? that's great. what's she like? oh, she's really sweet. she's just the kind of girl you'd like to live with. we really hit it off. oh, that's fantastic. i can't wait to meet her. jack, you already have. hi, jack. oh, no. no, no, no, no, no. no, no, no, no. no... no! no... well, hello, there. and who is this blossom from love's... bouquet? this is terri. she's our new roommate. really? hi. ( seductively ): hi. larry!
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please don't let that stop you from moving in. ( forced chuckling ) ( janet mimics chuckling ) seriously, if there is anything you need, just yell. i'll be at your service 24 hours a day. woman: larry, where are you? starting tomorrow. ooh... ( whoops ) yes! daylight come and he got to go home. if you'll excuse me there's some things i have to do in preparation for the party tonight. jack... how long does he hold a grudge? terri, come on. stop worrying about jack. oh, i can't help it. look, all that happened is that you just, you know you hurt jack's pride this afternoon. that's it. yeah.
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i guess i've just got to find a way to mend his bruised ego. what are you going to do? whatever it takes to make jack feel like a man again. oh... what? ( breathily ): jack. yah! what are you doing? i was separating an egg. u shouldn't be doing that. huh? cooking is woman's work. it's what? everybody knows that. at least everybody who still knows what makes a man... a man. unless the man happens to like cooking. ( laughing ) oh, jackie-poo, i just love the way you make the silliest things
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( giggling ) wait, wait, wait. ( growls ) there, you see? you men, you're just all thumbs. ( growls ) but don't you worry. i will have that cleaned up for you in a little while. ( growling ) ( laughing nervously ) how did it go? and stay out! that well? you know, janet, uh, the way things are going i think i should just get my purse walk out of here and pretend like we never even met. but i'm not going to and do you want to know why? you're not a quitter? because i gave up my old apartment. ( knocking at door ) furley: open up, it's r.f. who's that? uh, r.f. ralph furley, mr. furley, our landlord. he may have his little quirks
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a little act i worked up to save your party tonight. furley the magnificent senses that you have a beautiful friend visiting you. hey, that's pretty good. it's this trick blindfold i can see right through it. come here, mr. furley. watch your step there. i'd like you to meet... no, no, no. don't tell me. i am now going to amaze and delight you the name of your friend. without the help of any clues. uh, all i need is some impersonal object you might have on your person like a hankie or a compact or a... wallet... with a driver's license in it. okay. what's this? my compact. give me the wallet. ah! ah!
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. the name is terri aldenren! is the great magnificent furley right or is he wrong? he's wrong! he's wrong! what? oh... "terri alden, r.n." terri's a nurse. she works at wilshire memorial hospital. she's our new roommate. oh... well, i knew that. i was just going to say it if you'd give me the chance. was nice to meet you welcome to our building. thank you so much. you're going to get along just fine with the girls. the girls? yeah, janet and jack-queline. or didn't jack tell you that he's gay? no, but i think i just figured out what i did wrong. thank you, mr. furley. don't mention it. i'm going to get ready for the party.
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hang on right there. wait, don't go out with your blindfold on. why not? i can see right through it. oh, right. terri... ( furley screams ) uh, mr. fur... terri, wait a minute! janet: uh, mr. furley... ( furley groaning loudly ) are you all right? jack... now what? i owe you an apology. oh? you know what i said before that a real man wouldn't set foot in the kitchen? yeah? well, i never should have said that. ay you are then so am i. the way i am? sure. cooking doesn't make you any less of a man than if you played baseball or you boxed, or... well, it just so happens that i do box. you, you box? ye... yes, and i'm darn good. back in the navy i was in two, three fights a week. oh, i can imagine. the other sailors--
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what? oh, jack, i'm just trying to tell you that i understand. oh, i'm sorry. how did you ever get into the navy? what kind of a question is that? jack, i... i'll tell you something. the navy was darn glad to get me! i could have been middleweight champion on my base. i had a left that could knock you out... come on, man, come on... jack... what are you doing? i'm warming up for my next fight. i could even use... ooh! my elbow. ( doorbell rings ) i hear bells. uh-huh. why don't you, uh... answer the bell, champ. ( jack groaning ) oh, elbow pain. jack... i just spent the last five minutes giving didi her voice lesson. so what? so what?! we didn't even get past the breathing exercises. you've got to find some way
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i got problems of my own. if i live with terri another minute i'll go crazy. if didi finds out she can't have this apartment, she'll... what did you just say? she's been putting me down since we met. i can't live with that person. why don't you just get rid of her? i wish i could, but i promised janet. i didn't. what? if i get rid of terri would you consider taking didi in? you got it, pal. good. let's go shopping. right, shopping. shopping for what? i'll explain. she'll be begging to get out of here. you mean jack isn't gay? no. mr. furley just has to think that otherwise he'd never let jack live with two girls. oh, no, he must think i am the worst person in the world. why? just because of a little misunderstanding? oh, terri. come on, come on. let's just go in and straighten out this mess. come on. jack! jack!
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i'm sure he'll be right back. oh, i can't wait; i have to go home and change for the party. that's even better. talk to him tonight. he'll be in a better mood then. oh, do you think so? i'll tell you something about jack tripper. he doesn't hold grudges. he may be unreasonable and cranky and an all-around pain in the... you know. yeah, i know. right. but once you have jack as a friend you have somebody you can depend on for rest of your life. that is good enough for me. i'll show him the kind of person i really am. attagirl! i promise you by tonight's end he'll beg you to stay. ( laughs ) okay, i'll see you tonight.
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larry, did you bring everything? jack, relax. this plan is foolproof. just remember when terri shows up treat her like she's the most important person in the world. why? because that way you catch her off guard.
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listen, jack, i... ( doorbell rings ) furley: i'll get it! oh, thanks, mr. furley. i know you and terri haven't hit it off but when she gets here maybe you shouldn't totally ignore her. hold that thought, janet. terri! no, jack... nice to see you! we thought you'd never get here. oh, love the dress. why, thank you. jack, can i see you alone for a second? alone? hey, this is supposed to be a party. whatever it is, it can wait. it's about this afternoon. now, now, now, that's forgotten. it is? janet? would you get our terri a little glass of punch? thank you very much. oh, sure, jack. boy, terri, you look great. thanks. okay, how did it go? wonderful. really? what did you say to him? nothing. he didn't give me a chance to. he just said, forget it. oh. well, i-i told you jack was really a terrific guy. he sure is. i wonder what he's up to. what? huh? uh, nothing, terri. now, you take this and go meet some of our friends.
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terri? have you met our very own mr. furley? oh, yes, he took my wallet. mr. furley! n-n-no, you don't understand. it was a trick. see, first she wanted to give me her compact... why? was your makeup smudged? you want to hear about the trick or not? i'm sorry. gosh, janet, i'm really going to miss you. well, i'm going to miss you, too. no, you won't-- 'cause i'll be coming around all the time. well, i'll just have to miss you in between visits. come on, you two, let's get out here! the furley fun festival is about to begin. the what? the furley fun festival. all right, folks, enough dancing. turn off the music! ( groaning ) what do you mean? come on now it's enter... listen it's entertainment time and heeeere's ralphie! ( laughs ) mr. furley, this is a party people want to dance. sit down, janet, sit down. now, come on, come on, it's game time. game time, we're going to play games.
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it's really very simple. i say a word then each of you adds another word till we end up with a question. then we all try and come up with a funny answer. ( all groan ) i knew you'd like it. okay, now. i'll say the first word. uh... "does." anyone... want... to... play... this... game? all: nooooo! now cut that out! and you're going to have fun whether you like it or not. okay, mr. furley, what do we do? well, that's better. his building. okay, here's the next game. now, i have all of your names in this bag here. now you reach in, you pick a name but don't tell the name you picked. you just pretend you're that person. and then the rest of us have to guess who you are. okay, janet, you go first. oh, all right, mr. furley
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okay, okay. all right, she's going to go outside then she's going to come back in and we guess who she is. okay? when, larry? patience, jack, patience. ? come, mr. tallyman ? ? tally me banana. ? hey, jacko! i managed to get us a date with the romondo twins. jack, jack, jack how often do you get a chance to go out with twin contortionists? whoo! the possibilities are endless. it's your turn, jack. no, i don't... ( bellows ): pick! picking. immediately, yes. mmm... i can do this. okay. all right. he's going to go out then he's going to come back in. ( chuckling ) hi, kids. well, i suppose you're wondering why i'm all spiffed up.
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i'm going down to the beagle to meet this real great chick. she's crazy about me but then, who isn't? ( chortling ) listen, kids, kids. if you're worried about paying the rent this month ( sniffs ) don't give it a second thought. just pack your bags and get out! i know who that is, that's mister... it was not! oh, come on. mr. furley, it's all in good fun. i mean, if you can't laugh at yourself... right, terri? oh, right! i thought you were wonderful! oh, you did, huh? then you're next. oh! okay. oh, no. what's the matter? ( whispering ): you see, i picked jack. i don't think i ought to make fun of him. oh, don't be silly.
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if you say so. yeah, go on. okay. she's going to go outside... all: and she's going to come back in. doctor, doctor! ( wailing ) i cut my finger. what do you mean, i have to wait my turn? he only has a fractured skull. i have a scratch on my finger! nurse! ( pants ) mercy! what are you doing with that needle? a shot? oh, no, oh, no, oh, no! oh, hey, hey, hey. oh, my, let...! oh! it's so drafty in here. ( yelps ) ( high-pitched ); mommy! ( laughing )
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what's the matter? did she hurt your itty-bitty butty? ( laughter ) now, larry, now. right. okay, everybody let me have your attention, please. i'll take over now, mr. furley. nice try. okay. all right, everybody. the moment you've finally been waiting for is here! we're about to play jack's famous party game. janet: what famous party game? and it's called... both: a million laughs! a million laughs? and everything we need is right here in this little bag. right, jack? right, larry. now i'm going to need a volunteer from the studio audience here at home. i'll volunteer. i'm sorry, cindy but this lovely young lady beat you to it. oh! ta-da! ( applauding ) thank you for being such a good sport. ( jarring buzz ) oh! ooh! say hello to mr. hand buzzer. hey! ( laughing )
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terri. okay. my assistant, terri here needs to see clearly, so she has to wear... ta-da! ...these! ( laughs goofily ) there you are put those on, would you. okay, here we go. ( laughs ) wait a second, tammy. let me see, have you been getting enough sleep? yeah. why? why? honk. you've got circles under your eyes! ( laughs ) talk to me, lawrence. hello, hey! hold it. well, jackie, we want to capture this moment for posterity, don't we? absolutely right. terri, would you please smile pretty for the camera? ( laughs ) that's it. ( gasps ) larry. well, that's the last time i buy this cheap film-- the color runs.
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. that isn't funny. look what you did to her dress. yeah, you ruined it. that was mean, jack. don't worry, terri i'm sure jack will have it cleaned for you. that's okay. he doesn't have to. right, it's wash-and-wear. our special solution will allow her to wash it and wear it at the same time. larry, maybe... if you want the magic solution to clean the dress-- and this is the funniest part of the game-- just say, give it to me. terri, you don't have to do this. give it to me. terri... go ahead, you can't stop now.
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i don't suppose it would do any good to apologize.
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i'm really sorry. i don't know why i did this. i do. i've given you lots of reasons not to like me. but that's no excuse to do what i did. you're right. and if you ever do that again... i'm going to give you another tetanus shot. no, mommy! ooh, kidding, just kidding. i knew it, i knew. you are really something, you know that? and... if you still want to live here i'd be happy to have you as a roommate. why not? the way i look nobody else will take me. i'll take you.
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? come and knock on our door ? ? come and knock on our door ? ? we've been waitin' for you ? ? we've been waitin' for you ? ? where the kisses are hers and hers and his ? ? three's company, too ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? take a step that is new ? ? take a step that is new ? ? we've a lovable space that needs your face ? ? three's company, too ? ? you'll see that life is a ball again ? ? laughter is callin' for you ? ? down at our rendezvous ? ? down at our rendezvous ?
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lift them! whew! i'm all done and you didn't lift one little finger to help me. i lifted my feet, didn't i? thank you. janet, i don't understand
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jack, our new roommate is coming. terri's a nurse-- she's used to the way things are at the hospital. what, you want me to get sick? i want you to put the vacuum cleaner away. i was going to do that. ( mimicking ): i was going to do that. say, jack... hmm? i was wondering... do you think terri's pretty? oh, come on, janet. you know i never pay attention to those kind of things. ( audience laughter ) come on, jack, just answer the question. oh. hey, you're pretty, too. you don't have to say that. okay, you're not pretty. jack. ow! my toe, janet. i'm sorry, jack. i didn't mean to do that. look, jack. let's don't have any problems, okay? when terri gets here, no fooling around. janet, ever since i've lived here have i ever stepped out of line? ( laughter ) didn't i step right back again? ( doorbell rings )
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i just hope she can control herself. what? well, you know me and my animal magnetism. hi! hi, terri, come in. i finally made it! we've been waiting for you. jack, aren't you going to say hello? oh, hi, terri. i didn't see you. i was busy vacuuming. ( laughter ) i'm so grateful you're here. hello. that's enough hello. excuse me. why don't you get her bags? don't bother. a few guys from work helped me. come on in, guys! there we go. right down over there. you came in an ambulance? they were headed this way. oh, janet and jack this is fred and rick. nice to meet you. you fellows are a lot more careful than regular movers. regular movers don't usually carry things that scream if you drop them. thanks again, guys. bye-- nice meeting you.
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k. well, time to get to work. well, we'll help you. look at this! a violin. oh, terri, do you play? well, i really, um... come on, please, play something for us. no, i... come on, don't be bashful. really, go ahead. okay. a one and a two and a three and a four. ( playing badly off key ) i just started taking lessons. you could have fooled us. furley: hey! who's killing a cat up here? oh, it's you. moving in, huh? yeah, i just got here. oh, good. oh, janet, i came up here to remind you about our date tonight. date? yeah, our scrabble match. i'm down 75 cents
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oh, right, sure. how's 9:00 sound? fine, fine. well, as long as i'm here welcome to the building, terri. thank you. let me help you with your rat. rat?! oh, harry's not a rat. he's a hamster. hamster, rat, whatever-- didn't they tell you the rules? no animals allowed. now, i want him out of here! oh, come on, mr. furley. either he goes or you all do. but mr. furley... i don't want to hear another word. it's okay, guys. good-bye, little fellow. i know you're... what's that? i know your little hamster heart is breaking. mine is, too, but this man here says i can't keep you because i... because... oh, i can't tell him. you tell him. that's ridiculous. animals don't understand... ( laughter )
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all right, all right, he can stay! but one loud nibble and out you go. and you, janet scrabble, 9:00 sharp! hey, terri nice going. come on, harry. i'll show you your new home. boy, she sure knows how to handle furley. so does harry. oh, jack. well, this is it. come on in here. coming, coming, coming. it's kind of small. uh... uh... excuse me. let's see what's in here. uh-huh. well, it could do with a little soap and water and a coat of paint. yeah, blue would be nice. blue? oh, i'm so glad you're here! oh, isn't this a great little place? i love it. what do you think? you hate it. oh, no, no, no. it's very nice. did you hear that?
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that's wonderful. who are they? oh, janet wood, jack tripper this is my dad and my mom. mr. alden! oh, i'm sorry. nice to meet you, sir. hi, mrs. alden. ahem! and my little sister, samantha. samantha. you can call me sam. i get my braces off in another year and mom says i should start filling out soon. she's so cute. janet: why don't we all sit down? honey, we can't stay. we just dropped in to see where our little girl will live. and who she'll be living with. she'll be living with this little girl. right, me. whose room is this? mine. oh, well, sure, yeah. i live here, too but only in there, to pay the rent. it's all very innocent. i'll just bet. can't we get braces for her tongue?
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e we trust terri. bless you. well, terri is a lovely girl and i know we'll just have tons of fun. not too much fun. ( laughter ) well, come on, mother. sam, we'd better be going. these kids probably want to get back to whatever they were doing. i'll bet they do. and sam, out. out, out. out, out, out, out, out, out. ta-ta. bye! good-bye, lolita. nice to meet you. sam: bye-bye. ( laughter ) well, that's quite a family you have. oh, thanks. especially your sister. are they going to keep her, or... jack... i was only kidding. oh! here, let me get this out of the way. somebody could damage themselves. ( laughter ) terri, did you see the look on jack's face when he noticed how big your dad was? yeah, i always had a lot of first dates
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i had that problem. was your dad big, too? no, i couldn't get second dates. listen, i'll go empty more of the closet so you'll have some room. okay. i'm going to go through these boxes. well... hello! you're here. they said you were sharp. ( laughter ) still unpacking, huh? yep. everything's a mess. if you want jack, he's in there. well, no big hurry. so, what do you think of my buddy jack? oh, i think he's really nice. the best-- you'll see when you get to know him better. yeah. of course... jack was a lot more fun before... before what? no... never mind. i should never have brought it up. before june. before june?
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she's a girl jack was crazy about. oh. she dropped him just like that. oh, oh, that's terrible! he never got over her. and he seems so happy-go-lucky. well, that's jack-- laughing on the outside but on the inside, crying like a baby. oh, poor jack. yeah. since then, the man has lost all confidence in himself. well, isn't there anything that can be done? i don't think so. unless... no. unless what? no, forget it. it wouldn't have worked anyway. no, tell me-- maybe i can help. i was just thinking-- if you could just boost his ego a little bit. how? i don't know. maybe just be extra nice to him. really? some tender, loving care... a little stroking. what about janet?
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i mean, janet isn't very good at that sort of thing. you're more sensitive. after all, you are a nurse. you understand about... pain. ( laughter ) oh... you leave it to me. good. janet: terri! oh-- coming! excuse me. hey, larry, what's happening? hey, pal, remember the other night when you kept me from hitting on that little redhead? yeah, i told you her boyfriend's a wrestler. you saved my life. forget it, pal. do me a favor sometime. i just did, you little devil. ( laughter ) did larry leave? yeah. what did he want? i don't know. oh, he just came by to say hi. i think he's really nice. oh... but not as nice as you, jack.
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terri: no, i mean it. and besides being nice i think you're very good-looking. well... ( laughter ) and you're not even aware of it. aware of what? oh, good-looking? me? no, i'm not. that's just what i mean. you know, most guys are so conceited. don't you hate that? i can't stand conceit in a guy. oh... oh, no... there are some times i don't even want to see a mirror. you know, i just get up and there... then other times, usually at night, i... ( laughter ) what? did you put her up to that? what?! ( mimicking ): you're so cute. oh, i didn't even hear that. terri: jack, could you help in the bedroom? you betcha. aren't you forgetting
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that can wait, jack. i'll be with you in just a minute, terri! oh, that's okay because i'm a little tired so i think i'm going to hit the sack. oh, you are? oh, well, in that case i'll be going. good night. good night. right after i get better acquainted
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what do you see? no, not an ordinary guy! you're somebody special and don't you ever forget it. i won't, i won't. what i'm trying to say is that you should have more confidence. i'll try. ( laughter ) now, do you know what i really want you to do? ( gulps ) what? ( laughter ) talk. talk?
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e-e-everything? that's right. i want to get to know you. i mean, really know you. it all started in a little town in arizona. ( laughter ) mommy and daddy met on a church picnic. i'll be right back. where are you going? upstairs-- it is terri's first night why are you worried about terri? isn't jack up there with her? yes. well, come on, it's your turn. ( clears throat ) "moly"? you're right, mr. furley, probably not a word. i'll dash upstairs, check my dictionary. get back here!
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but i'm not. "moly" is a word. it is? yeah, i use it all the time. "holy moly." ( laughter ) "guaca-moly." ( laughter ) go ahead, take your score. my mother didn't raise many stupid children. there's just you and your brother, bart, right? ( laughter ) and then during the third grade my dog cocoa ran away. oh, that must have been a rough time. hey, i've had a lot rougher. ( gasps ) are you thinking of june? no, cocoa ran away in september. ( laughter ) then after third grade...
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well, you know, terri i don't know that many girls. what's the matter with your arm? oh, my arm? no, it's just an old navy injury, see? and my back tightens up on me every so often. oh, i've got just the thing for that. come right over here and lie right down. lie down right there. ( laughter ) well, if you insist. this-a way. you really are tight. oh, yeah? boy, am i going to loosen you up. oh, great. ( screams ) wait, wait, wait! ( banging ) what's that? i'll go see. oh, no, you don't. we're going to finish this game if we have to play all night. all night? hold it, mr. furley. hear that? no, what? big mosquito. oh, right there. where? mr. furley
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got him! look at that. you've messed up the whole game. darn. i guess we'll just have to quit with you 50 points ahead. means you win. oh. what a shame. i guess it is the only fair thing to do. yeah, bye! hey, you don't have to rush off. there's another game going on upstairs. how you feel? just peachy. oh, yeah. that's much looser. and how does the back feel? oh, it feels wonderful. fantastic! hi, janet. hi, jan... janet, hi. may i see you in the kitchen? she was massaging my neck. i'll do it.
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do you mind telling me just what you were doing out there? janet, janet, i was an innocent bystander. she had her arms around me. and you had your arms around her. well, i didn't want to be rude. jack! it's not my fault women can't keep their hands off me. it's something i've learned to live with. i'll just have to go talk to terri. i'll go with you. sit! janet... stay! terri! uh... terri? come on over here. come on over here and sit down. okay. i'd like to talk to you. about what? about the three of us living here together. everything's all right, isn't it? no, it isn't. it isn't? mmm... let me put it to you this way. if one-third of the three of us had something going on
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ld get kind of sticky around here for the third third of the three of us. do you get my drift? oh, sure. and if you've got something going with jack it won't bother me at all. oh, thanks... no! i'm talking about you. me?! jack said you couldn't keep your hands off him. ( laughter ) and you believed him? not anymore. oh, excuse me. no problem.
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uh, hey, terri. terri... terri, you want to cool it? you know, janet's in the next room. i don't want to cool it. i'm cooking. excuse me. hey, how about some coffee? you want a little coffee? i don't want coffee. i want you. ( shouts ) ow! i'm sorry. how about some cold water for your finger? that's hot! is it? when i'm around you i just don't know what i'm doing. janet, will you keep that girl away from me? you're right, jack. she can't keep her hands off you. i don't understand. of all the egotistical... i just felt sorry for you. sorry? why would anybody feel sorry for me? oh, lots of reasons. ( laughter ) come on, go ahead, terri, go ahead.
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about how jack lost his confidence because of june... june? who's june? that's the girlfriend you were crazy about. i don't have a girlfriend june. not since she dropped you. anyway, with jack needing help and you not doing anything... me not doing anything? because you're not good at it. what?! that's what i heard. jack! don't look at me. well, then who? yeah, who did you get this story from? jack, there's a hot-tub party across the street and we're invited. come on! it'll be great. bring your robe and a towel. whoever made up that story has to be lower than dirt. someone with a disgustingly sick sense of humor. and someone with absolutely no scruples whatsoever.
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i've got to get to that bubble party... larry! about that favor you were going to do for me. you can just forget that, jack. thank me later. no, i want to thank you now, larry. janet: no, no, no, no, no, jack, please. terri and i would like to thank larry for you. that's right. after everything he's done to make my first night here so memorable.
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to choke me. janet, stop that! hey, janet... ( laughs ) ( audience laughter ) larry's going to be cold out there but at least he's got his towel. oh, no, he doesn't. no! ( banging on door )
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okay, that hurt. sabrina, you're going to be late for school. oh! hey! a promotional cap is not a toy. sorry. it's my stupid hair. i know what i need: professional help. you really don't have time... oh! jose eber! way to conjure! okay, be honest with me. am i too light? hey! he's here for me. i don't know where i am or what's going on, but my fee is $1,000 an hour. shake your head, darling.


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